Written by Buck Turtle
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Topics: Mail, candidates

Monday, 16 January 2006

image for Sleestack/Lurch '08
Land of the free?

In a move destined for greatness, the Republican Party today announced their candidates for the 2008 Presidential race: a Sleestack and Lurch. The pairing of the prehistoric reptilian biped and the beloved harpsichord playing, mail-fetching Amazonian domestic goofball sat well with the majority of constituents polled over the past several months.

"What we have here is an opportunity to give our party a clean slate, a vigorous shot in the arm that even the most conservative bible-thumping moron will agree we are in desperate need of." snarled the bitter sitting Vice President, Dick Cheney in between his Marlboros and tequila snack. "Bush and I have done a pretty good job of completely destroying the global economy, setting a historic Federal budget deficit, instigating and profiting from illegal occupations, murdering our children, lying to the world; in short, giving the finger to everything that is good, decent and just. Sleestack/Lurch '08 will be a continuation of our flawed illogical policies. That you can bank on, America."

That being said, his ostensible Eminence continued: "We knew we were on the right track. That's why, when we deliberately manufactured these two outstanding candidates to follow in our footsteps, we saw a dramatic spike in the polls. Take "Prototype X" here, for example. This completely unqualified, sub-moronic, monosyllabic-hissing crocodilian troglodyte makes Bush look like a God damned supra-genius! We need to keep setting the bar lower and lower, suppressing all hope for anything that could ever benefit someone outside our little private club. I promised, long ago, that none of my family's tax dollars would EVER go to benefit someone whose skin tone is even remotely darker than the color of my lilly-white ass. I'd sooner resign from the NRA - or serve in a military capacity. This is just par for the course and another feather in our cap of insidious evil. We absolutely must "stay the course" from now on in order to have a chance of lying our way out of all future scandals and improprieties. How DARE someone question my judgment? After all, I am the paragon of success. Look at MY bank account. I bet the other members of the press here today are not able to boast about owning a quarter of the moon like I do."

When asked about his feelings on key issues like Executive power, abortion rights and the Federal deficit, Vice Presidential candidate Lurch moaned his familiar, lovable baritone threnody of despair while giving the "thumbs up!" sign. Presidential candidate Sleestack whirled in aimless circles, waved his arms like a defective windmill, hissed and wheezed until several Caucasian men in black suits rushed the stage, tore the microphone from the podium and tazered the first three rows of the press.

"Sleestack/Lurch '08 folks" snickered Bush in between snorts of Columbian snow - "Land of the free? Try land of the lost! Hyuck! Hey Laura, pass me them pork rinds."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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