Written by Lyndon
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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

image for Study that claims larger brain areas for many-friended Facebookers wreacking havoc at Vermont college
The brain of a friendless soul: a huge white patch is visable where brains are supposed to be

HARFOLD, Vt.--The student body at Harfold State College is at odds with a recently-released U.K. study. British researchers are claiming that Facebook users with lots of friends tend to have larger areas of the brain than do those who have less friends.

"Ain't nuthin' but a bunch a bullshit," said sophomore Elmer "Boxcar" Watkins (79 Facebook friends) of Bartle, Vermont. "My head's bigger than most a them computer geeks on campus."

Among other areas, researchers claim that the amygdala, responsible for memory and emotional responses, is bigger in those people who had many more Facebook friends.

Junior Lilian McLain (1,229 friends) of Greenwich, Connecticut, tends to be a believer. "As I befriend more and more people, I can actually feel my left middle temporal gyrus and the right entorhinal cortex grow in size. I even battle headaches, so quickly do these areas grow."

Added freshman Coleman Pierce (1,789 friends) of Burlington, Vermont, "One time I was confirming friend requests, and my superior temporal sulcus, which affects my ability perceive moving objects, started to tingle like your leg does when you've cut off the circulation."

Still, not everyone was buying the research results. Mickey "Cuttin' Board" Shea (57 friends) of Harfold: "Them Brits think they're so fuckin' smart just 'cause they can speak the same language as us. They forget who won the war, although they'd probably have you believe that the South'd won."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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