Written by DZ Wags
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Sunday, 9 October 2011

Texas Prison Chiefs today unveiled the electric-bench at a local state penitentiary after three years of research and development. The bench has been labeled "a fantastic breakthrough in the battle against rising prison numbers."

The bench will allow up to 20 inmates to be executed simultaneously and could cut electricity bills at prisons by half. "The Lean Mean Cost Reducing Killing Machine" designed by Boxer-cum-Chef-cum-Human Disposal Engineer, George Foreman, has been met with full approval by guards and convicts alike.

"I've been on death-row for 12 years because of the backlog of people to be corrected y'know," prisoner Bob-Billy told reporters, "but now I might get my chance to be corrected too, sooner rather than later. It's good news."

Guard, Billy-Bob, 29, said "I can't wait to smell all that flesh cookin'. Break out the propane; we gonna have ourselves a fine barbecue tonight!"

Convicts will be strapped to the bench and read the safety instructions before being subjected to 10,000 volts of electricity until dead. As human tissue is a very good conductor, the electricity will be recycled through each convict allowing more to be executed without the need of more electricity. It is part of the State's drive to reduce their carbon footprint by cutting power bills as well as save on convict care costs by having to provide for fewer inmates.

Research was carried out over a three year period, in which over 2,000 prison inmates voluntarily signed-up to be executed. The testing was not plain sailing, however, for in June 2006, a volunteer executee, Big-Black-Billy-Bob, caused severe structural damage to a prison building when his penis that was accidentally touching the floor, earthed the bench causing thousands of volts of electricity to dissipate, and sparing his fellow volunteers.

"That incident set us back a year or so," revealed Mr. Foreman, "but procedures are now in place to guard against that very kind of incident."

Skeptics have argued that the inmates should not be treated like Cattle or Mexicans, and that all Americans, no matter what their crime, deserved their own "moment in the spark light."

Galveston Prison Governor, Bobby-Billy Joel, brushed off suggestions that the electric-bench would pose new problems; "The Lean Mean Cost Reducing Killing Machine will provide prisons with an economic and safe execution solutions package. Allegations that we will be treating inmates like Mexicans are unfounded and untrue."

The new benches are being installed in prisons state-wide and will be fully operational within the next few weeks. There are also plans for a luxury reclining electric-bench with arm rests and two-tone color design, development of which is said to be "ridiculous."

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