Written by Peter Stevenson
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Wednesday, 7 September 2011

image for Tramps squat in squatter's squat. WHSmith thanked for helping to resolve the situation.
WHSmith is to publish one of the homeless men's accounts of the four day squat now known as "Shitter Gate".

A gaggle of homeless people have taken over a squat that was previously occupied by new-age middle class hippies in an extraordinary turn of events that has left the owners astounded.

Mr and Mrs Wangweather bought their four bedroom London house in early 2011, and have spent the last six months renovating the interior. Just before moving back in at the beginning of August, eight squatters took residence in their home and refused to leave.

However, on the 1st of September, a group of homeless men entered through a back door window and took up residence as well. The squatters asked them to leave, but they refused. In an extraordinary turn, the homeless men drove the squatters out four days later with a combination of urine and crusted beard mucus.

"It is disgraceful!" said one squatter, going by the alias Giles Smithe. "What is the world coming to when someone can just enter through the back window of your house and take up residence! We're going to sue."

When this reporter tried to explain the irony to the squatters, they had trouble understanding, despite their previous schooling at Eaton: "Ironing? Sorry, what?" continued Giles.

Crucially, Mr and Mrs Wangweather managed to get the homeless men out of their house immediately afterwards by offering one £10 WHSmith voucher each. "We're just so glad it's all over," said Mr Wangweather.

"It's been a bit like than nursery rhyme where you send a spider to catch the fly, then the horse or whatever. Except in this case we're the horses, the homeless men are surprisingly avid WHSmith-loving spiders, and the squatters are cunt-faced little flies."

One of the homeless men has signed a book deal with WHSmith to write about the events of those four days. A preliminary working title is "merr fughhh neuurr.....".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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