Written by Jack Leonard
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Sunday, 4 September 2011

image for Daily Mail Columnists To Climb World's Highest Horse
a giant wooden 'training' horse

In the wake of the riots that swept through Britain's cities, Daily Mail columnists, Richard Littlejohn and Jan Moir, are to attempt to break the record for high horse ascending.

"As I watched the violence unfold on my paid-for television," Moir, 73, told anyone who would listen yesterday, "tears of rage were streaming down my face. Despite feeling as impotent as a sentencing judge, I knew I had to do something to help. So when Richard suggested getting on an impossibly high horse, I jumped at the chance."

Speaking from his £1.5m mansion in Danglebury, Littlejohn told passers-by, "Of course, the Elf'n'Safety nazis have already stuck their beaks in, insisting that we're aided by oxygen for the final section. That we would die without it is beside the point - it's just another case of the Nanny State telling people what to do."

When asked about the need for oxygen, Sherpa Wigwam, who will guide the two hate-spewers to the summit, said, "Without it hypoxia will eventually set in, causing feelings of absolute certainty and extreme self-righteousness. Before long, the climber suffers permanent damage, which is exactly what happened to Janet."

Wigwam is referring to Janet Street-Porter, holder of the current high horse record following the MP's expenses scandal. A malfunction of her oxygen equipment left her with the unshakeable conviction that people actually care what she says. Doctors have insisted that Street-Porter must abstain from this latest attempt, as any further brain deterioration could leave her in a permanent Jon Gaunt-like state.

Unsurprisingly, Littlejohn couldn't resist having a pop at the politicians in Europe. "I'm betting that the Eurocrats will try to stop us because the horse isn't EU approved. It'll be something to do with French farm quotas, you just wait and see! Probably."

Meanwhile, Moir was quick to assure people that Sherpa Wigwam was a local. "I know he sounds a bit foreign," she told EDL well-wishers who had gathered around her training horse (pictured above), "but we've checked his birth certificate and it's definitely a case of British jobs for British workers."

The climb is due to commence within a week, although the pair will set off tomorrow for acclimatisation purposes. "We'll spend a couple of days at our Base Camp," said Moir, "although I probably can't call it that for fear of offending flamboyant homosexuals. I'm sure that somewhere there's a diktat which forces me to call it a Base Station. Yet another case of PC gone mad. Probably."

The couple have been sent several messages of encouragement, including one by chat show host Jeremey Kyle, himself midway through an attempt to scale the world's highest moral ground.

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