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Tuesday, 16 August 2011

This week David Cameron launched a radical new initiative to reorganise British society, not seen in the Western world since the industrial revolution, in order to combat the spread of gangster culture within British cities. Cameron also confirmed that 'by any means necessary' he would fix the problems of the 120,000 problem families and 'their champions' that are dragging the morals of the rest of the country down with them. Described as the Whitney project, Cameron also wanted an end to the dehumanisation of the countryside and a renewed respect for agriculture.

In his ground breaking speech, Cameron has confirmed that he wants the return of 'Little England' values, which can still be found in picture postcard places like his beautiful constituency of Whitney, Oxfordshire in the Cotswolds, where he has launched this drive to transform Britain.

Speaking to the world's media in front of a mural put together by the happy children of Whitney, the symbolism was clear, Cotswolds' village life good; inner city life disgusting and bad. Such was Cameron's anger with the 'ungrateful and unwashed' of the riot torn areas, that he has refused point blank to look at another picture or visit any of these areas until the problem has been fixed.

In a passionate speech, packed full of at times confusing historic and cultural references, including the peasant revolt of 14th century, Robin Hood, the English civil war, Chaucer's the Canterbury Tales, Malcolm X, Idi Amin and Dickens's Oliver, Cameron shed a tear as he recalled how old values had been lost forever in places like Tottenham, Hackney and Croydon as well as Manchester, Nottingham and other unmentionable places that as leader he hopes he never has to visit again.

In his vision for how British life will be under him, Cameron stated; "Whitney and other Cotswold villages have a moral lesson that everyone needs to learn from. I want people to be able to smile at each other in the street, cycle through the streets ringing their bells at passer bys out of kindness not fear, be able to leave their doors open, talk with the neighbours without using a gun, play in the fields and make daisy chains, take part in the village fete, sing in local choirs, go for long walks with the family and also drink locally brewed cider and ale, none of this chemical mass produced nonsense."

But what about the poor people, the disadvantaged, asked one person in the audience, where do they fit into this lovely picture when they are in concrete jungles? Cameron answered back with a declaration that will have far reaching consequences. "These people will be too busy working in the fields and factories, too tired at the end to cause any trouble, their bodies broken from all the hard work, just like in the old days."

The message from the government was loud and clear; the inner city had failed so badly, so it was time to reorganise the city life, rather than apply short term measures. Before this could happen the bottom sections of society needed to be re-educated, to learn why the people from the Cotswold are better and happier citizens. He realised that this was not going to be easy and that there was going to be some pain along the way.

Cameron has confirmed that every citizen who is out of work or deemed undesirable will be sent to work on the farms in the countryside in time for the harvest; rather than spending any more taxpayers money terrorising citizens out of sheer boredom. For too long the countryside has been looked down upon by the urban poor.

Talking directly to these troubled families Cameron shook with rage as he said, "All you who are presently fixated on stabbing each other, scaring people on bendy buses or with your dogs in the park, selling your family for drugs and wearing clothes that are highly inflammable, and breeding like rabbits, come September there will be a new chapter in your disease ridden little lives."

He went on to accuse these people of conducting behaviour for decades which had spread like a malignant cancer and that 'hard work in the fields was the necessary medicine to fix these ills'. He punched a fist as a young child revealed a hammer and sickle motif behind his head which drew a gasp from the polite folk of Whitney and nervous looks at each other.

Confounding all his critics, even members of his own party who expected him to roll out a series of typical Tory policies and headline grabbing measures, Cameron has seen his moment in history and a new opportunity to redraw British society. Political historians have noted in his language and posturing how he has looked for inspiration way beyond British conservative figures like Thatcher and Disraeli. Some supporters in the media have championed this new direction in policy, recalling how Stalin, Pol Pot and Mao Tse Tung had to make tough decisions in order to fix their broken societies.

He has also extended his anger to the intelligentsia and dinner party set who he blamed for fuelling the moral crisis since Gutenburg invented printing in 1400s, and their need to learn from their past mistakes in covering these issues. The Guardian editor, Alan Rusbridger and senior staff members have apparently fled to their summer homes in the South of France after fears spread in the chatter classes that liberal strongholds of Islington and Hampstead are also to be sent to the countryside for re-educating.

Sources reveal that Cameron hit on the brain wave after tasting the home made elderflower jam from his next door neighbour, whilst watching the riots on You Tube, which made him feel utterly disgusted to be British. It made him realise how there was a big a moral hole that needed to be operated on and to make these people learn respect for the country folk.

'What after the autumn harvest', asked the media, 'will they be able to go home?' "In the long term I am going to reintroduce families back into the cities, but only those who have learnt what makes a happy home in the Cotswolds," closed Cameron. No one is sure how long or when this will be, but it is clear that London will be a safe and quieter place come September.

The Socialist Worker has been the fiercest critic, saying that this is corrupting the campaigns of the great socialist heroes of the 20th century. Other left wing and right wing critics accuse the government of a fascistic and big business agenda turning the cities into museum pieces for the rich and Cameron's plans will return the poor to a serf like existence. High street fashion shops are rushing to produce peasant style clothes, to reflect the expected demand come the autumn.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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