Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Tuesday, 9 August 2011

image for Chiswick vigilantes to defend Turnham Green
Battle of Turnham Green.

Reports are coming in from Chiswick that a band of rowdy yoga mums have looted the artisan bakery and made off with all the walnut and sun blushed tomato bread.

The angry mob, wearing pink pashminas to cover their faces, were seen to perform several sun salutations on the pavement before moving along to Fired Earth where they ransacked the National Trust paint samples and stuffed Limited Edition Provencal Tiles into straw baskets.

Fears of more disturbances this evening have prompted Chiswickian Rupert Agincourt, a Merchant Banker and neighbour of actor Colin Firth, to "get a few chaps together" in order to defend Turnham Green against further marauding attacks.

The Defenders Of Turnham Green vigilante meeting will take place at sundown on the terrace of Carluccio's in Chiswick High Road (excellent lemon drizzle cake BTW).

Rupert Agincourt will be urging the men of Chiswick to defend the normally civilised and sedate neighbourhood against "these rampaging mindless thugs."

"These women are out of control" said Mr Agincourt" they are armed with rolled up copies of Horse And Hound, pumped up on Gin and Tonic and spend the afternoons cruising Chiswick High Road in their Volvo XC90s."

Fellow Bedford Park resident Sir Dickie Hedge-Trimmer, who was at Latymer Upper with Hugh Grant, has also put his considerable weight behind Rupert Agincourt's campaign:

"The women of Chiswick claim they are bored and demand all the latest gadgets but that is no excuse for rioting in the streets and looting shops" said an angry Sir Dickie."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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