Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 9 August 2011

image for London Riots: Chiswick Man Demands Explanation
Not a scene from Chiswick.

A west London man is demanding to know why rioters who have run amok in London over the past few days have ignored Chiswick.

Garfield Menshevik, 42, was looking forward to an enforced day off after watching the riots on the TV news on Monday night.

"I said to my lady wife, I said: 'Felicity, if I can't get to work tomorrow because of the rioting and all the burning buildings, it won't be my fault. I shall just have to turn around and come home.'

"She agreed with me but suggested that I ought to show willing and set out at my usual time."

Mr Menshevik, a riverside slook-pargeter, works in the Strand-on-the-Green area of Chiswick and walks to work from his home in Acton Green.

"The daily journey takes me about 20 minutes, but after recent stories on TheSpoof news site about riots in Chiswick following a gig at the Tabard Inn and outside the health centre over the cuts, I thought I would have little chance of getting through."

But he was in for a surprise as the leafy west London suburb spent a peaceful night and escaped the turmoil which engulfed other areas of the capital.

"As I approached Chiswick High Road from Acton Lane, there were no tell-tale police sirens. Sainsbury's was, remarkably, not on fire - nor was the HSBC at the corner of Turnham Green.

"I looked up and down the road, but no - all was quiet. I must say I was rather surprised - surprised and angry. After all, I was looking forward to a day off in front of the telly, enjoying such delights as Heir Hunters and Bargain Hunt.

"It's just not good enough and I am demanding an explanation from those at the top. Isn't Chiswick good enough for a riot? I think it is!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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