Camp perma-tanned housewives' favourite Dale Winton has controversially announced that he is a messenger of God, and that he has an important message for the human race.
Dale was on holiday in Egypt and decided to go for a walk in the desert "to cruise for men" when the miracle happened. God himself appeared to Dale and gave him two stone tablets containing a new message for the world. He told Dale that he was to be God's final messenger - because all God's previous attempts at contacting the human race had gone astray. God chose Dale for the job because he was such a huge fan of Supermarket Sweep.
Previously God attempted to contact Noel Edmonds to be the Messiah, but Noel misinterpreted it and believed that he himself was a God. He still thinks he is.
The message which God wants Dale to spread to the world is that if anyone has any unwanted jewellery they should send it to CashMyGold, and they will receive a cheque for the value of the gold they send. Dale explains that God is running low on gold and he needs more if he is to continue to be able to afford to run the universe.