Written by Deafo
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Wednesday, 3 August 2011

The latest figures released by the treasury indicate that the UK's operating cash balance is vastly inferior to that of the takings from the fruit machine used in Eastenders' eponymous pub, the Queen Vic.

The figures show that at present the country's collective reserve has at its disposal a full £27.12 despite the implementation of the Chancellor George Osborne's austerity measures.

This compares unfavourably with the 'Maygay' fruit machine used in the BBC's flagship soap, which last week cleared upwards of £50 a day due to the excessive gambling of the shows star, Steve McFadden, who plays bad boy Phil Mitchell.

Treasury spokesman, Phil Dupp, says the findings are only remarkable simply because of how unremarkable they are.

He told reporters outside Parliament, 'The UK having only £27.12 available to it is not quite as bad as it seems, especially when you compare it to the gambling habits of some.'

'With a little of the thrift ignored by McFadden, that amount of money can go an awfully long way.'

'Sure, the government has risked financial capitulation by embarking on further military escapades in Libya and the relentless propping up the Euro, but you can't tell me that £27.12 wouldn't put on a wonderful spread if deployed in the form of a Lidl hamper.'

'Their cheese and biscuits are the stuff of dreams.'

McFadden has waded into the debate suggesting the country's financial state would look even more parlous if he hadn't last Tuesday activated the bonus feature that accompanies three cherries on machine.

'Oh mate, yeah, I was buzzing when they rolled in.'

'Got all the way up to £15 and collected.'

'I'd be more than happy to re-invest that £27.12 the treasury is clinging on to.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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