From our Special Correspondent at The Poodle Parlour, No 10 Downing Street, London SW1; Monday 5 December 2005 - (Associated Mess): The Prime Minister's personal private secretary issued a strongly worded statement this morning expressing Tony Blair's 'total confidence' that neither he, nor any of his predecessors at No 10, are aware of any covert surveillance operations whatsoever by the UK's security and intelligence services on the latest crypto-fascist to slime his way out of Conservative Head Office and into the Tory Party's leadership contest. Nor that any such obviously non-existent operation had ever taken place since in the last 20 years on David 'Boccaccio' Cameron, his alleged parents or his delightful barrister brother - whose manful and urbane defence of former Tory jailbirds Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer in their historic libel litigations at the Old Bailey is regarded by many - both in the legal profession and in the Metropolitan Police Special Branch/Anti-Terrorism Unit - as a benchmark of probity and dispassionate professionalism.
Further, the statement continued, it is a well-known fact that the Labour Party's current all-conquering hero, the Mayor of London Ken 'Red Ken' Livingstone, had himself recently given Mr Cameron his full public blessing on prime-time UK TV when expressing his total and uttter delight at the prospect of 'any daughter of his' ever 'bringing home such a lovely chap' as Mr C.
"The Prime Minister categorically confirms that to his certain knowlegde there are absolutely no skeletons whatsoever in any potential cupboards belonging to this latest fine contender for the leadership of the Conservative Party. Nor is there any basis to any rumours that MI5 has tailed this multi-talented young pillar of society since his birth and immediate changeling by any Cuban-born gangster blood-parents on the payroll of President George Bush Senior or any of his relatives in the Rasputin tribe residing at the Vatican since 1967 or thereabouts.
"Indeed, it is fair to say that any such rumours are a foul and base lie invented by those who would besmirch the honourable profession of politics as we know it, the very profession that has etched its global reputation in eminent milestones of historical achievement such as the...er...the Dodgy Dossier, the Uranium Yellowcake fantasy and the altruistic autobiographical musings of Cherie Booth QC.
"We now regard the matter as closed and do not expect to see any action either by the police, the security/intelligence services nor the CIA's special low-cost no-frills "Queasy-Jet" travel service currently refuelling at RAF Brize Norton en route to Guantanamo Bay. And that when he is duly elected as the British Fascists' Party's official leader tomorrow, he will do so with his reputation and criminal record intact.
"The vile rumour that this could result in the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in London's Hype Park to weep blood is a baseless allegation and one that, should it ever occur, would be totally unconnected to any ballot outcome in the Tory contest. "