Millions of people across the UK were said to be in a state of mild depression this Sunday. It is the first weekend since the phone-hacking, muck-raking tabloid the News of the World was scrapped.
Sales of rival publications "Hello!" and "Readers' Wives" are said to be up. Even church attendances spiked massively as bored Britons tried to find something else to do with their time on a Sunday morning.
One ex-reader said, "I'm doing cold turkey right now. I have no idea what colour dress Kate Middleton was wearing this week, or which celebrities have been shagging which. I can't cope!"
The Suicide Hotline has opened a special phone line for tabloid readers who are struggling to cope without the newspaper. For callers who enjoy muckier stories, they can also listen to phone messages left by other Suicide Hotline callers.