Written by Les Being
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Thursday, 7 July 2011

image for Police close to solving Midsomer murders

Thames valley police say they are closing the net on the so called Midsomer butcher.

Over the last ten years the sleepy villages in the Midsomer area have been witness to at least one hundred brutal murders. Criminal activity on this scale is rare in large cities and rundown urban areas. It's certainly not what you would expect to find in the remote picturesque English countryside.

DCI Nick Speeders said that since this investigation started the name John Nettles keeps cropping up and police would like to talk to him in relation to these crimes. DCI Speeders said that Nettles, who also uses the aliases Jim Bergerac and Tom Barnaby, is very dangerous and should not be approached under any circumstances.

Police are linking the Midsomer murders to a series of similar crimes that occurred on the Channel Islands in the late 70's. DCI Speeders said, "It can't be just coincidence that the murder rate on the Islands fell by 99% the day Nettles left".

Until police have Nettles in custody people are advised to keep away from churchyards at night. Village fetes are also considered unsafe for people who have a tendency to wander off alone. If you really must attend a village function then police say it's always better to stick with a large group.

Members of the community most at risk are; old ladies with dark secrets from the past, men or women who indulge in blackmail, gay people pretending to be straight, and anyone who knows the secret identity of any of the landlords long lost illegitimate children.

The risk factor among judges of cake or flower competitions is also considered to be very high.

DCI Speeders said, "This carnage has to stop". If you know the whereabouts or have any information that can lead to the arrest of John Nettles please inform the police.

Nettles was last seen on ITV4 and it's believed he could be making his way to UK Gold

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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