Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Weather, Wind

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

image for UK Severe Weather Alert - Batten Down The Hatches - Stiff Breeze Expected Wednesday
Soon To Be Spinning Around Like The Clappers As The Stiff Breeze Hits

The Met Office today issued a 'Severe Weather Warning' and advised UK residents to batten down the hatches, as there is a high probability of the nation being traversed by a stiff breeze at some point on Wednesday.

Residents have been advised to dress up warm, as the stiff breeze may well be accompanied by sporadic showers, grey skies, and scudding cloud cover. London Mayor, Boris Johnson today announced that in order to combat the unseasonably inclement weather conditions, and fend off destructive showers, emergency pac-a-mac centres will be set up across central London.

Authorities in Greater Manchester have also taken direct action, and free umbrella hire will be made available to those undertaking missions of mercy by going up the shops to purchase essentials such as medicines, beer, cigarettes, and pies.

Scottish people have been strongly advised against wearing kilts on Wednesday, and big fat Geordie blokes have been strongly advised against going shirtless, particularly at the peak of the stiff breeze phenomenon, which is expected to hit Newcastle Upon Tyne at approximately 13 o' clock Geordie time.

It remains uncertain at this point whether the nation's transport network will be affected, with airports and rail operators monitoring the situation on a minute by minute basis. The AA and RAC have cancelled all leave, and only London Underground have indicated that they don't anticipate being adversely affected.

Although they did warn passengers to be wary of damp patches on platforms, and the odd puddle around station entrances.

A Met office spokesman advised the nation - with the exception of essential emergency personnel - to take the day off, put their feet up, and watch Dickinson's Real Deal on daytime TV.

Those not interested in antiques and tat were advised to tune in to 60 Minute Makeover on ITV, in which a crowd of about a hundred craftsmen set about completely redecorating some poor bastard's house in the most horrendous manner imaginable.

More as we get it.

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