Written by Morse
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Friday, 20 May 2011

image for EU Plans Assault on Autoerotic Asphyxia, Plans Ban on Plastic Bags in UK; Practitioners Flee to Thailand to Hang Around!
Breathless Phone Sex To Be Outlawed by EU...Leaves Brits Gasping!

In a sweeping plan to ban plastic bags which have left Brits Breathless, the European Union is taking the first step to shut down deviate sex practices which they say affect the Health & Safety of the British Public.

Plastic bags , since invented by a little known recluse on the Isle of Wight, sometime in the early 50's, have been the tool of choice by sex addicts to enhance organisms by cutting off the blood supply at the moment of "final release."

Pompey Lil, a famous entertainer near Portsmouth is credited with first discovering the phenomena. A local man, who can not be named as he still has living relatives in the area, was said to have placed a bag over her head in order to perform in a manly manner.

According to reports, he got more than his money's worth, as Lil was said to have exclaimed later, "Ducky...let me tell ya....that was the first time I truly got off with a customer, and I've had me share in me time...that bloke left me breathless, even though he never took his hat off!"

Supposedly the word spread quickly around the pubs and alleyways, and although grease stained chip bags were all the rage for awhile, things changed with the invention of the
'one time plastic bag."

In recent years, and in private men's clubs, variations of the theme have progressed to include hanging around in a closet with either a rope or a silk stocking around one's neck,
hiding in an air tight wheelie sports bag, or pulling a pork pie hat down around one's ears.

Aficionados of the practice are said to be outraged, and there has been a run on baggies at the local M&S all night stores, except in Bristol which is still subject to random fire bombings as management continues to refuse to give away free packets of Stella.

Tourist Bureaus say Sex Tours to Thailand are 'really picking' up, and the local rag in Pattaya say police have found a number of foreigners 'hanging around' in closets 2 days after check out time.

Barreness (sic) Ashcroft, British representative to the EU on a $500k a year allowance, says this is only the start.

"We're taking a serious look into bizarre sex practices. Next on our agenda is Klismaphila which will lead to the banning of enema bags...probably do a trial run in Scotland.

There's been an upturn in Manchester with Utophilla...blokes taking the Piss,
and Copophillia is starting to get an internet following....shite is just everywhere...can't avoid stepping innit, eh?"

More When We Catch Our Breath.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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