London - "You shouldn't call them freaks," protocol watchers seethed with ire as little Grace Van Cutsem and Lady Louise Windsor performed in public today.
Yet it's hard to find kind words to describe some of the inbreds at today's royal gravy train beano.
Three year-old Grace, Prince William's goddaughter, was widely described as having a fat, squashy-pumpkin-looking face "a bit like Hugh Laurie's Prince Regent in Blackadder III" according to royal wedding observers.
And seven year-old Lady Louise - the spawn of Prince Edward and Sophie Rees-Jones - was born with the sort of unfortunate squint that has ophthalmic plastic surgeons rubbing their hands with glee.
The two little royal misses scowled their way through the entire ceremony this morning as ecclesiastical gargoyle carvers watched on with interest at the prospect of so much potentially fruitful new material.
At the end of the nuptial cermony the page boys and bridesmaids were all congratulated for their decorum in what was clearly a tense 60 minute ordeal.
"At least none of them wet themselves over that plush red carpet," was the general consensus.