Leeds: Shock, horror and disbelief as local Leeds Man Puts Good Book Down in Library.
There is a saying in literary circles, that if you put a good book down before finishing it, 'Then yer a bastard"!! Unfortunately for one man, the act of putting down his good book, was all too much to take.
The man, Arthur Clegg 64 from Headingley, visited the North Lane Library yesterday at around 3.30pm, clutching what witnesses say was a 'Damn Good Book'.
Elsie Jones, 49 of nearby Burley, spoke to the worlds assembled media outside the Library as news spread that someone had actually done the unthinkable and put down a good book before completing it.
"Oooh I tell yer, it wur awful, nowt can prepare yer fer that. It wur a right good book too. He'd only bin int' Library for two minits and we heard a great thud comin fromt' front desk. I mean I dint see nowt me, an I don't wanna spread any muck or owt, but yer cud 'ear it right fromt' t'other end ot' Library. Shockin!!"
Just then reporters rushed forward to the front of the Library as Mr Clegg was sensationally wheeled out by paramedics, clutching his chest and complaining of headache and a racing heart. Under severe pressure from journos around the world, jostling for the exclusive as to what had happened, Mr Clegg, with all his utter might, pulled back his oxygen mask and held an impromptu press conference right there, right then in Headingley's North Lane.
"Well it wur just too much tha knows, I cunt hold it fer any longur, I've been carrying it now for 3 days in case I got arrested off the Literary Police, I ave trouble wi' mi 'ands yer know, an I just had to purrit down. Am I in Trubble? Ar't' police cummin? By 'Eck it wur t' best book int' world that an'all, burrit wur just too eavy"
"What book was it, what book was it", the press all shouted.
"It wur...It wur.....ugh! uurrrgh"
Unfortunately for Mr Clegg, he himself would never reveal the good book that he put down that fateful day on the front desk at Headingley, as sensationally seconds later, he had a massive heart attack and rolled his eyes back to meet his maker, God the Almighty one, father of Jesus and author of a good book himself, How to Biologically, Chemically and Physically Manufacture all Life in only 7 Days.
Library Officials refused to speak about the fiasco, but Gary Mckinnon, famous for hacking into Nasa servers in the hunt for UFOs, now Chief Security Advisor to The News of The World, also turned up and held his own impromptu press conference, again conveniently at the front of Headingley Library.
"I might be going to get myself bum-fucked by Americas hardest soon, so what better time to announce my arrival back in the hacking scene than to provide you with the name of the Good Book that That Bastard Mr Clegg put down. I had been hacking into The British Library down in London, researching for anything that could get me off from having my back doors torn to shreds by a 6ft Gorilla called Susan who wears red lipstick, a prison dress and has a reputation for utterly destroying fresh inmates backsides, when I came across passwords and login details for Headlingley Library. My excitement at email addresses and password details always gives me a bit of a stiffie, so I logged in to the Library and pulled open a secret CCTV video clearly showing the book as it slammed down on the desk. It was at that point that I shot my load"
Mr McKinnon was just about to utter the name of the book title, when sensationally and out of nowhere and may we add, also in a pedestrianised area, a Blacked Out BMW pulled up, two members of the Literary Police stormed out and shot Mr Mckinnon dead. "Take that yer Bastard!" they were heard to shout before snatching the book and driving off into the sunset!