Written by Nick Hobbs
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Wednesday, 30 March 2011

image for Urgent Brain Operation Required As Mother's Warnings Ignored
Man lost brain in 'picking' accident.

An Oxfordshire man lost his brain, as it spilled out on to the pavement outside Goldsmith's, in Oxford city centre today.

The unnamed man, 33, was nonchalantly waiting for his wife to stop looking at necklaces, when he began picking his nose. As he rooted around in the deep nasal crevices, his mothers warnings came to fruition, and his brain literally fell out.

A passer by helped to scoop up the brain in to an empty polystyrene kebab container, and an ambulance was called.

Terry Wonderbuttocks, leading expert in Mother's Warnings, told us "it is a well known fact that willfully engaging in the ecstasy of digital nasal coitus will cause one's grey matter to leave the safety of one's skull, just as it's fact that sitting too close to one's television set will cause the viewer to adopt 'square-eye syndrome'. People who risk their health in these ways deserve what they get, in my opinion."

This news comes only days after John Bradburn, a 45 year old Aberdeenshire man, was rushed to hospital for emergency face surgery, after he 'pulled a face' at his wife, and the wind changed direction.

Bradburn was left gurning at his wife, his face cemented in position, much to the indignation of his partner. Surgeons were able to partially release his rictus grin, but his tongue was unsalvageable, and remains firmly stuck out.

A team of nurses wet it down daily, so as not to cause dryness.

Police spokesman Roy Wilkes told us "we are asking people to be vigilant, heed the warnings of Mum. She is an oracle, a modern day soothsayer. The teachings of Mum are invaluable for the survival of mankind itself. Never underestimate their power or significance."

"Only last week I myself did a spot of office work, and in my haste I didn't remove my jacket. Well, needless to say, when I left the office only an hour later, my oh my it was cold! I really didn't feel the benefit at all, just like Mum predicted! I could have been in serious trouble if that was a few degrees colder!"

So heed the warnings, people, or on your heads be it!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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