Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

image for Dial 666 - Speak Of The Devil
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Satan, the Prince of Darkness, is to set up a call centre in Gainsborough, the call centre capital of England.

"It's the logical place," said Aleister Crowley, spokesman for Hell Incorporated. "Gainsborough is already Hell on Earth, so there are plenty of people to staff the centre."

The move is a direct response to the increase in Satanists, as indicated on the 2011 Census. According to early indications from the Census, there has been a three thousand percent increase in the numbers of people who adhere to the Antichrist, up from forty-five in 2001 to just over a hundred and twenty thousand.

"It could be a large number of people attempting to subvert the Census form in an anarchistic way," said Crowley. "This doesn't really matter. If you put it down, your soul is His for eternity thereafter."

The call centre will be fielding calls from people enquiring about the skiing conditions in the Inferno, whether or not Granddad has been taken downstairs and discussing terms with the Horned one Himself.

"We expect that one of the more popular topics of conversation will be the exchange of an immortal soul for some favour," Crowley admitted. "Our staff are all trained in such bargaining."

It is not anticipated at this time that the infernal call centre will be used for cold calling people requesting their immortal soul in exchange for fame and fortune.

"There's little call for that particular exchange these days," Crowley sighed. "The X-Factor put paid to all that. Simon Cowell is perfectly adept at turning talentless dirge performers into superstars without any help from Beelzebub. I did ask Him if Cowell had made a deal for this particular talent, but it appears not. It must be genetics or something."

"We've already had Benny on," said Crowley. "He had a couple of questions. He mainly wanted to know if Satan had God's number, as Benny's direct connection seemed to have been disconnected. He also wanted to know if becoming Pope meant he could get in Heaven despite being in the Nazi youth. He wasn't very pleased with two 'no's".

The Devil can be contacted by dialling 666 on your telephone. Calls cost your soul, and considerably more from mobiles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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