Written by IainB
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Monday, 28 March 2011

image for X-Factor style judging to be used for immigration applicants
The axe will fall

From the first of May immigration applicants into the UK will face X-Factor style judging to determine their suitability for UK residency.

This new policy is to ensure that only talented people are allowed to apply to be resident in the UK.
"We have got a celebrity panel of Paul Daniels, Dermot O'Leary and Kenny Dalglish," said Home Secretary Teresa May. "In addition, there will be a guest judge slot that will be done in a similar way to the jury service selection process."

Applicants will stand before the judges and explain why they should be allowed into the UK.
"Obviously, none of the panel speak anything other than English, with the exception of Kenny Dalglish," said May. "We don't know what language he speaks."

This means that applicants will have to explain in English. It is then up to the four judges to determine if they are talented enough to be let into the country. It is expected that they judges will be able to cross examine up to forty applicants a day, with a three hour lunch break. Each panel member will be given a desk with a big X on it. Two Xs will result in being disallowed into the country.

"The judges are really looking forward to the challenge," said May. "Paul and Dermot need the work, and Kenny said something that sounded encouraging. He might have actually turned us down, it was difficult to tell."

The judges will be encouraged to be as harsh as they like and provide feedback to the applicants. Currently, the entire budget for the process has been spent on the celebrities, leaving nothing for training the member of the public.

"We are hoping that the people selected each day will be naturally sarcastic and caustic," said May. "They are British after all."

Opponents to the scheme are worried what will happen should a Daily Mail reader get selected to be on the panel, as it might challenge their world view on just how many immigrants there are into the country, and how useful they would be to British society in general.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said May with a shrug.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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