A new fad, thought to be from the Colonies, has brought health service workers and care facilities to their knees as thousands of Brits have begun sniffing the weirdest things causing Health & Safety Officials to issue a Public Health Warning!
Sniffed purveyor of British life styles Harriet Harridan, "Don't know what's got into people.
Going around sniffing everything under the sun....where's their common sense...why don't people just use the eyes they were born with...I'll get to the bottom of this and they'll be hell to pay tonight when I get home especially if that husband of mine forgot to do the laundry again!"
The "sniffing " affliction allegedly emerged after a tongue in cheek story about the legal high gotten when micro waving women's thongs, placing them in a plastic bag, and inhaling the aroma.
New users, all under 16, said the effect was better than that achieved by putting model airplane glue in your sneaker, sticking you nose in it, and passing out from the euphoria!
The fad is said to be spreading rapidly to other every day items. Reports are coming in from Trafalgar Square of a rash of bicycle seat sniffing yobs passing out at bike stands and causing a commotion with their jeans down about their ankles.
At M&S, shoe clerks have noticed shoppers sniffing boxes of shoes before trying them on, ostensibly in order to make sure they were not worn once and returned for a full credit.
There's been a rash of gusset sniffing over by Manchester, not to mention the snogging of gazebos in the same area.
At the local takeaways, customers are demanding they be able to sniff the meat in the kabobs before they're pronged, and news vendors are complaining that men in suits on their way to work are sniffing page 3 of The Sun, but not looking at the pictures, and then refusing to buy the snot laden rag!
In Yorkshire a lad has reported that his socks have gone missing from his clothes hamper after he ducked out for a pint leaving the door to his flat open. He says any competent bobby should be able to track them down, cause he hadn't changed them in a fortnight!
While not yet a criminal matter, a spokesman for Health & Safety says the epidemic could be worse than that caused by the "Cocaine Craze" that hit soccer players and celebrities and spread to the general populace a decade ago and is still popular with Kerry Katona.
"It's the same, but worse," said Fergus O'Toole, a roofer whose Gussets had gone missing,
"same symptoms as a coke head; running nose, furtive eyes, and them always trying to hit you up for a fiver....BASTARDS!"
Medical personnel said if the fad continues much longer, more people will be suffering from a deviated septum, backed up sinus infections, and depending on whose junk they sniff, a bad case of either gonorrhea or the crabs.
Ed Miliband speaking for the Labour party snortled , while licking his lips AND sniffing this reporter, "Well, it's probably just a bit of bad tempered humour left behind by Gordon...he really does hold a grudge you know......BASTARD!"