A gay man from Carlisle has been warned by magistrates that his rather effeminate way of jumping over puddles (pools of rainwater accumulated on pavements) is unacceptable behaviour regarding the public at large, and has been told in no uncertain terms by Chief Magistrate Bottyboy Frotter to "tone it down."
The man, who has since changed his name to Laurie Driver by deed poll, attracted complaints from concerned parents as he habitually skipped over puddles on the pavement in an effeminate manner, whilst waving his arms in the air and squealing the words: "WHEEEE!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!I'M PUDDLE JUMPING!!!!"
"Me bairn dint know what to make of it," local man, Elizabeth Regina, a pre-op transsexual witness said in court. "It just isn't reet."
Upon objecting on the grounds of homophobic legal abuse, Driver was driven to the ground and bummed senseless by Clerk Of The Court, a South African named Vuvuzela Ryngsplitta - presumably because he's well endowed in the burgeoning gay service industry.
Once everybody had got their breath back, and wiped the stains away with tissues, Chief Magistrate, Bottyboy Frotter announced:
"This case is just too ridiculous for words. It's just silly. Case dismissed. The whole bloody world seems to revolve around gays these days and it's not right. Even though I am a fully paid up handbag carrying willy wuffter meself. Being gay shouldn't afford advantages in society, unless of course it's involved with the media. They're all as bent as nine bob notes anyway. Now go on, fuck off out of my court room."
Elizabeth Regina (formerly Kevin Greenwood) told a Skoob News reporter that we haven't heard the last of this.
Judging by the sheer weight of numbers of puddle jumping males in Carlisle - he's probably right.
Heaven help us all.
(With apologies to Gay Larry for rampant opportunism)
More as we get it. (But not in a gay way)