Written by Herr Riballs
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Topics: Theft, Grandmother, hero

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

A have-a-go granny is today recovering after fending off a group of jewellery thieves, armed with only a handbag and weekly Netto shop.

The silver sleuth, who does not want to be named, but known locally as GRANBO, after the 80's action hero Rambo, foiled the attempted robbery by six men on scooters at Michael Jones Jewellers in Northampton.

Restraint

Det Insp Ernest Jones said "We would like to praise the actions of the six robbers in what must have been a terrifying ordeal. To show the considerable restraint they did while under heavy bag attack is commendable.

"In a clear breach of health and safety regulations, however, two of the men were not wearing safety helmets. They have been charged under the Road Safety Regulations Act.

"We would urge any would be robbers or crime doers to consider headwear protection in future to avoid falling foul of the law."

Chicken

One of the victims, Fraser Hart, 19, said "I was about to smash my way into the jewellers when this old woman launched herself at me. She was like a maniac, a woman posessed. She kept hitting me over the head with her handbag. I'm one of the lucky ones though as I was wearing a helmet. There could have been anything in that bag like a cooked chicken. I dread to think what damage the bones could have done."

Vile

It has emerged that the wrinkly renegade has been caught up in vigilante actions before as it was revealed she:

• Once refused to buy alcohol for underage teens.

• Confiscated a crack pipe off a local drug user and shoved it up his anus. Sideways.

• ENJOYED old Chuck Norris movies, often practicing martial arts moves on husband, Wilf, 82.

• Performed a roundhouse to the head of a car thief, despite being arthritic in both legs.

The grey haired thug was unrepentant, however. She said "I'm not a hero. I just did what any law abiding citizen would do. I weren't standing for their shennanigans so i twatted the shit out of them with my shopping. Am I allowed to say that on air ? Anyway, I'd do it again" added the defiant gran of seven.

Police have confirmed a 74 year old grandmother of seven is helping them with their enquiries.

Meanwhile, the six robbers are expected to receive six figure compensation awards from the European Court Of Human Rights for the distress they have suffered.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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