Written by Jack Melling
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Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that the Coalition government plans to deal with the welfare state by cutting friends with benefits.

The scheme entitled "No more benefits for friends" will not allow friends of different genders to add any sexual benefits to their relationship.

A government spokesperson has called the scheme "the best way to tackle the problems of the current benefit system."

He said, "Britain's welfare state is out of control! Not only do the lazy unemployed enjoy financial perks for sitting around doing nothing, but friends are now enjoying sexual perks while not even being in a proper relationship."

However, opposition MPs are questioning the latest Coalition cut as an attack on civil liberties.

One Labour MP said, "How people choose to conduct their personal relationships is entirely up to them. Rather than cutting friends with benefits, perhaps they should implement a solution that entices members of the public into a loving long-term relationship."

Prime Minister David Cameron has defended his actions, "Under the last Labour government, friends with benefits went up by 250 per cent. This led to increased pregnancies, more unemployment and friendships ruined because of the introduction of sex into the equation."

"Friends with benefits is simply something the Coaltion government cannot support or manage. If people want to have sex, find a long-term partner, not someone who will give you the benefits of a sexual relationship but non of the commitment."

Friends with benefits were blamed personally by David Cameron for the latest poor economic figures along with the previous Labour government, the snow, Nick Clegg, the Euro, the public sector, the welfare state and the poor.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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