Tony Blair delighted his criminal community when he proposed that dogs and old gits were to be banned from using Britain's pavements.
The pavements are full of dog poo and sad old wrinklies', a spokesperson for the criminal classes explained.
Only last week, one of our muggers had his career shortened when he slipped on a pile of dog poo. He had just robbed this sad old dear but was prevented from making his escape by the poo. It's criminal. -- He was lucky that he only suffered a broken ankle.'
We have made it quite clear to the government that we will not tolerate the situation'.
And it's the same with them bleeding old gits in their battery powered wheelchairs'.
My mate Syd came a right cropper when he tried to rob this old geezer in his motorised pram. He did everything by the book and yet just before he was about to bash his brains out, the old bleeder saw him in his rear view mirror and shot off like a bat out of hell.'
Does the prime minister know how that feels for a hardened criminal?'
The fear of failure will traumatise that poor sod for life!'
Blair promised to put up warning signs on every lamppost and to build a new prison in every city for offending wrinklies.
I know how they feel', explained Tony.
When my son passed out in the street after a night of binge drinking, his clothes were in a terrible state. Covered in dog poo they were. Cherie spent all night trying to pick out the hardened bits.
--And there were definite signs of tyre tracks across his back -you know, as though he'd been run over by a wrinkly wheelchair.
But I'm not after revenge', Tony added.
I'm just trying to make sure that the streets are in a fit state to enable my criminal friends to do their difficult job, in total safety.'