Written by Inchcock
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Friday, 7 January 2011

image for Alliance vs Labour Five-a-side Match
Trainer/Coach of the LDCD team

An indoor Five-a-side soccer match between the 'Lib-Dems Conservative Disunited' (LDCD) and the 'Dilapidated Opposition Pretend Electioneers Shambles' (Dopes).

It is to take place in George Osborne's airing cupboard on a date to be announced following the presentation of the White Paper proposal to the Home Office, and the DCMS (Department for Culture, Media and Sport), for assessment, then be passed to the European Departments, Budget, Competition, employment, Social Affairs and Equal Opportunities, Enterprise and Industry, and Regional Policy Departments, for final approval.

Herman Van Rompuy, President of the European Union, is to be asked to referee the match, which will be televised live.

We caught up with Ed Milliband, when he was out drinking with Sadiq Khan, and Harriet Harman at the Nags Head, planning their tactics for the match.

He revealed his plans for the 'Dopes' team: "Naturally we will not be fielding any right wingers in the squad, I've told the lads not to make too many claims for fouls to the ref, considering who he is, he'll have his hands full with the MP's expense claims as it is". He continued, "We'll be watching for any Etonian underhand nepotistic antics, although we can have learned a lot from them in the past couple of years. Experience of trapping, cutting, and holding onto the ball will be the advantage to the LCDC team." "We expect to struggle against the two elements of their play, Hard headed on one facet, and crawling on the other, we'll just wait until they fall out with each other, and try not to score an own goal!"

We managed to speak about the proposed game with the LDDC team trainer William Hague, at the Pink Cocktail Bar with three youg assistants early one morning, and he told us about his plans for the LCDC tactics:

The members will need massaging regularly to keep up their spirits, I will talk to each chap in the bedroom before the match, and treat any injuries or medical needs the men want. We will play cricket in the best tradition of... oh, er... I mean play ball with all my heart, to further the cause of.... At this point he hiccuped and slid off of the chair he was sitting in, and his young companions Julian, and Pascale tended to him with a gentle massaging of his temple and strokes of his nether regions in an effort to bring him back to reality. Hopeful lads, I wonder if they will be in the team?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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