Written by Nick Hobbs
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Wednesday, 5 January 2011

image for Christmas: Gone In Sixty Seconds
Now you see it, now it's gone.....

Christmas was upon us, and was gone. Just like that. Snap of the finger quick!

So says Joyce Merryweather, mother of two and home-maker to eight faux-family members.

"We waited in, for over three weeks, waiting for the day. We sat watching adverts, promising a special day, filled with love, joy and all sorts of happy feelings. But all we got was a shirt we would never wear, loads of wrapping paper that wouldn't fit in our already bulging bin, loads of washing up, and a half cooked turkey that made three of the family quite ill!"

"Some of the family I never really knew, so their death was not really a shock!" she said, "If they eat raw turkey, then on their heads be it!"

This turn of events seems to be played out all over the nation.

Bob Thundertrunk, 48, told us "I was sat at home, when it happened. Just minding my own business, then two of my nephews knocked at the door. What with it being Christmas, I let them in, but they stayed all night! And invited some other people round!"

Surrounded by family, Bob felt honour bound to offer 'nibbles' and 'tipples', ending up with a house full of people he didn't really know, and a fast diminishing store of 'snacks'.

"I offered crisps and shorts, before I knew it, my JD had gone, I was Vodka-less and my three tubes of Pringles had been devoured like dust up a Hoover!!"

Sleeping the day off, over 85% of the country agreed. "Where the fuck did that go?"

2010 has been entered in to the Guinness Book Of Records as the 'Fastest Passing Christmas Ever'.

More as we spot it passing by!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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