Those undisputed kings of comedy, namely the Con/Libs have entered 2011 with a vengeance, just when you thought they had run out of fresh material they produce an absolute gutbuster!
Vouchers worth £250 million are being dished out ("oh the puns, the puns!") to families in England to encourage them to serve up healthier meals.
A range of money grabbing companies have jumped onto the bandwagon and joined the 'Government' as a potential double-act by way of helping to promote better food choices aka: higher profits.
ASDA, Birds Eye, Unilever, Mars, Weight Watchers, Nestle and Warburtons are among well-known profiteers taking part in the laughfest!
Under the GREAT SWAPATHON as it has been named, households will be offered a £50 book of vouchers, recipes for healthy versions of popular crap and advice on sporty activities, not associated with frantic sex!
Overweight and well fed Health Secretary Andrew 'fatz' Lansley said; the Changed4-Life scheme would encourage people to make better choices.
"It's a financial incentive for the cash strapped masses and it's not one paid for by the taxpayer," he said, popping another chocolate brazil nut down his gullet.
Andy went on to say,"The healthy option isn't always the cheapest option (as 99.9% of cash strapped housewives already know) so it's really an important step to be able to offer £50 off healthier foods, drinks and activities. Besides which, most major supermarkets are overstocked with this crap, especially luxury mince pies (the one's that actually have 5% of mince in them)and Christmas puddings. And I understand that J Sainsburys are buried under millions of tons of 'taste the difference' crap previously endorsed by that would-be-chef Jamie 'spitz' Oliver?
ASDA is even offering 20% off dining room furniture to encourage families to sit round a table together for meals, which will make a nice change from tearing a large Emporer size box of KFC apart in their laps in front of the TV and each wiping their grease sodden fingers on the 40 year credit free DFS sofa!"
Not to be outdone, we learn that B&Q are offering 70% off toilets so that each family can have a seperate crapper, very handy after devouring copious amounts of KFC and eliminating queue's and mishaps behind the setee which are usually blamed the dog!
The interim Chief Medical Officer for England, Professor Dame Sally 'gobbler' Davies, said the New Year was a good time to think more about choosing healthier options...like emigration to Australia.
"Ideally" she trilled,"we should be doing 30 mins of exercise five times a week-or an hour a day for children," she advised as she tore off her panties and mounted her young Russian houseboy for the third time that morning. "Exercise does not have to be painful as you can see" she purred ripping her 44DD bra off "but it is always advisable to seek medical advice before endulging in hard core S&M. After all darlink, anything that gets your heart and other bodily parts pumping gets my vote!"
But others have expressed concern about large corporations taking such a lead role in telling the masses what to eat, Tim Chaste-Smyth, a professor and 'ology merchant of food policy at City University said "Feck that, I remember that movie, 'Soylent Green' bloody nigh scared the living crap outta me. All this poncy grub my arse, I like to know what I'm eating matey, you can't beat a Burger King Feast Deal, and it keeps yer regular......for a week!"
Over to you GB to binge or not to binge, that is the question.
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley is advertising for an Albanian window cleaner-experience not required!