Written by Rob Stimpson
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Thursday, 23 December 2010

In the wake of Heathrow Airport's shocking inability to handle the winter weather, a snitchy insider has claimed that those in charge of the laughing stock of the air travel industry were always going to show their incompetence and inability to deal with the chaos after they failed to organise a successful pre-Christmas party for BAA staff in a local brewery.

According to the whistle-blower, who wishes to remain anonymous, "the bosses at Heathrow decided to take the majority of staff employed at the airport to a local brewery in order to have a knees-up before the busy Christmas period set in."

Upon arriving at the brewery, however, the employees soon realised that those in charge of Heathrow had made several huge blunders, despite having been their all afternoon organising the festivities.

Our insider claims that "the guys in charge had been boasting about the £6 million they had invested in alcohol (both beer and cider, as well as alcopops), various Christmas compilation CDs, party poppers and cleaning products for any drunken mishaps. They seemed very confident that they knew what was coming, and they had certainly had enough notice, it's not like the party crept up on them. We had one last year too."

It became painfully apparent, though, that the bosses were failing miserably at organising this particular piss-up in a brewery. Our source claims that:

Somebody spilt a drink that left a puddle in the middle of the room, and it sent the place into meltdown. The bosses shut everything down: they turned off the music, turned up the lights, and locked the doors. They stood around debating which tissue paper to use to soak it up, all the while keeping us pinned against the walls at the edge of the room in a long line. After three hours the puddle was finally removed, but afterwards the music was only played at half the volume, and they ushered us through to the drinks table two at a time, with a full two minute gap between each departure from the line. They even called people who were planning to attend the party later in the evening to not bother travelling to the brewery as there was no point, they wouldn't get a drink in time. It was insane! Everyone had sobered up by the time they had got back to the dancefloor - no one was where they wanted to be.

When the party had finished, and everybody vacated the building to the car park, a light snow had started to fall. It is reported that a few employees looked at each other with concerned faces, but the bosses soon put them ease, claiming "it's fine, we've invested millions in snow clearing equipment, we're organised and ready."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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