Written by mattymc13
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Wednesday, 22 December 2010

image for Offside Law Rolled Out Nationwide

Today is a historic day in British history, as the offside law makes a gigantic leap from the football field into the life of every unsuspecting citizen.

Having been trialled in supermarkets earlier this year, the new "public offside rule" is set to discourage people passing objects to others in public if they are the last man.

The first person to fall foul of the rule was pensioner Rita Jones, as she shopped in a Waitrose in Bedfordshire. Rita, 78, reached the till after completing her shopping but quickly realised she had forgotten to collect a copy of the Daily Mail. She asked a "kind man" to go back and fetch the paper for her, but little did she know when the man handed her the right-wing newspaper, she was the last woman in the shop, thus standing in an offside position. Security staff had been briefed on the new law, and quickly tackled Rita and detained her in custody before forcing the frail old woman to pay £200.

The David Cameron led initiative has been described by Labour leader Ed Miliband as "completely crazy" and "another example of the coalition stopping at nothing to raise a quick buck."

The law was also trialled in parks, but was said to get completely out of hand when park security arrested a duck after it ate some bread thrown by a child. The dim security officer was accused of taking the law a little too seriously by his superior.

"He was just keen to impress. It was his first day on the job. I can't say I was too impressed when he came back dripping from head to toe whilst wrestling a duck. But it shows commitment and heart. You can't bottle that. And I should just point out that the duck was offside. There's no question. I've seen the replay."

Unfortunately for the duck, his arrest had to be logged and there was no option but to issue him a fine. With the duck having no finances to his name, the arresting park officer was later seen dredging through the pond, looking for eggs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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