Written by Rob Stimpson
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Sunday, 12 December 2010

A fun loving group of Daily Mail journalists have today started a campaign to eliminate the presence of sexually suggestive journalism across all forms of British media.

The group of seven journalists have called themselves 'Children Come First', and claim that they are motivated by 'the urge to rid modern day media of the filth and degradation in content that has led to the corruption of our children, as well as the rise in teenage pregnancy and divorce figures.'

In a group statement, Children Come First claim:

"For too long now pedlars of filth and smut have become an accepted element in our society, and they have been spreading their ejaculations to all comers. These words and thoughts have been dripping with double entendres, an their articles have been thrust into our faces, and the faces of our children, and we've been forced to swallow it all because we're too polite to spit it out and say no.

"Us fully grown adults can only blame ourselves, but for these words to penetrate the supple, warm minds of our children, sliding inside unhindered because they don't know what's going on - that is simply unacceptable. We have already seen that when these sleaze munchers force themselves onto our children, either with the work of their fingers or orally, they become corrupted very quickly and end up getting pregnant with the child of an illegal immigrant, and then get married and divorced, all before the age of 15. Because of all this, it's up to us here to beat off this competition for decency, not matter how stiff and hard it may be; we must persevere and fight for what's right. It's up to us to make sure that Children Come First."

Children Come First's mission statement has been met with a mixed reaction, however, as some have viewed their actions being too hard and penetrating, and will make people sit uncomfortably, while others say that the journalists are too soft and their words are far too limp and flaccid to be able to bang society into any changes. Either way, the balls are in motion and the issue will certainly become a handful.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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