Written by IainB
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Friday, 10 December 2010

image for Maternity Ward Marriage Service
Do you take this heavily pregnant woman to be your wife

After a successful trial in Tameside and Glossop health authority, the NHS is set to roll out Wedding Services in the maternity wards of its hospitals.

"We have about fifty hospital chaplains," said Tameside and Glossop NHS director, Mark Emille. "Generally, they give last rights, but for most of the time they are so bored, they wander round accosting patients."

The original idea was conceived to give the chaplains something to do when they are not attending the dead, but swiftly grew in popularity. The marriage ceremony can be much quicker than a traditional ceremony, if necessary, as some of the mothers are only moments away from giving birth.

"I was quite surprised at how well the idea took off," said Emille. "Tameside had one of the highest unmarried mother rates in the country. With the introduction of this simple ceremony whilst waiting for dilation to reach ten centimetres, we have slashed the figures for unmarried mothers."

Midwives now have a dual role in the trust, not only delivering the babies, but they are also acting as witnesses to the marriages. With the hospitals now a centre for births, deaths and marriages, the ConDem government are planning on rolling out the service to every trust, and close the births, deaths and marriage registrars in a bid to save money.

On top of this, entrepreneurial photographers have also opened branches in the maternity wings of hospitals to catch both big moments.

The first recipient of the new combined services, Mr and Mrs Dewsnap of Ashton are now happily living together.

"I thought me kid would be born a bastard," said Mrs Gemma Dewsnap, "But Brett did the right thing by me."

Brett Dewsnap was equally thrilled at the outcome. "Yeah. It's what I wanted when I was a kid," he said. "To be married and have a family at seventeen. Super."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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