Written by Inhopeless
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Tuesday, 7 December 2010

LONDON - In a surprise today, Steven Hawking, Earth's smartest man, took down the school bullies of his childhood.

"I know its a long time ago," he said, "but these sons of a bitch deserved it. They tormented me, with them piling their homework on me, and kicking around my prototype for a... well I can't remember what it was, because I never got that back."

Hawking, with some help from some guys at the Cambridge University School of IT, tracked down the two guys, and gave them what's what.

The what being, a turbo-lauched, robotised uber-wedgie with plus3 new-hole-tearing mechanism.

London Metropolitian Police looked over the incident.

"Why?" said a spokesman. "This is mother-fucking Hawking. He's probably working on how to optimise the LHC or something. You can't interrupt the guys thought process."

The device, which will earn the Hawking-Meister roughly £200bn, will go on sale Thursday.

What about misuse?

"Oh don't worry," he said. "The device can recognise the real victim. I call it athro-optimisation. It can detect the truly troubled. The device then power down after the A-O detects the threat neutralisation. So fuck you bullies."

He then offered this reporter one.

As of press time, this reporter had successfully stuck up for himself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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