New research has highlighted the impact that mobile phone use may have on aspiring mums-to-be. It is a timely warning of the possibility of years of heartbreak and unfulfillment.
Professor Hans Kneesen-Bums, Director of the Nookia Foundation, said "For years we have been researching the possible health implications of mobile phone use. We know about the established risk of brain tumours. We also now know that constant use can lead to enlargement of the ears. This is evidenced by the compensation claims currently being made against Nookia by the likes of Prince Charles, Wayne Rooney and Andrew Marr".
However, Professor Kneesen-Bums had a more sobering warning for young, aspiring mums-to-be. He went on to say, "Our latest research suggests that, should you answer your mobile phone at any time during the early stages of conception, your chances of becoming pregnant are severely diminished. In fact, they will be as diminished as if you were watching Ready Steady Cook, Sex In The City or doing the Times crossword during conception. Intimate partners, who are thwarted by your need to answer your mobile, are likely to resort to the pub, or a bit of pocket billiards while surfing the net".
Brenda Sonny-Ericksson of Romney Marsh, a childless single woman, said "I'm not exactly Megan Fox and my mobile is like an extension of me. I made the mistake of answering a telesales call whilst having a knee-trembler behind the Civic Hall. That was 10 years ago. I'm not married and haven't got any kids yet, but I did get 20% off the 2000 edition of Encyclopedia Britannica".