Temperatures of -20 degrees. Snow everywhere. The curse of the old lady eskimos.
This is officially the worst Welsh Winter ever.
Usually used to temperatures of about 1 degree, Wales has underperformed yet again: cocking up everyone's plans.
Scariest of all are the old lady eskimos: Celtic women who descend from the Valley to wreak havoc by attempting to drive Skodas and bickering about arthritis.
Welsh civilians are currently in the process of burning tuition fees... I mean... log reserves to keep warm and toasty.
However, one hundred million damp anoraks have to be burned following the permanent rainwater involved become frozen: leaving many Welsh stuck inside their raincoats for another reason.
More as we get it.