Written by Morse
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Topics: Marriage, Beer, Turkey

Friday, 26 November 2010

image for UK Woman Admits She Bought 2nd Hand Dehydrated Smoked Turkey on eBay Cause She Couldn't be Arsed!
Manchester Couple Explore Entrance Under their House where Lithuanians are 'Holed Up!"

Neighbours in a quiet Manchester suburb were still buzzing today after a domestic row over an eBay purchase spilled out into the public street causing further disarray when husbands and wives began to choose sides in the matter, causing further complications to the normal peace and tranquility , not to mention 'elf 'n safety!

It appears the matter came to a head when the woman, who can not be named due to a super injunction implemented by the block warden of the council area, prepared to serve a 2nd hand dehydrated smoked turkey she had recently ordered on eBay, her favorite internet amusement site.

It can be revealed that her loving and hard working husband, Martyn by name, not to be confused with that 'other' Martin of local fame, after a hard days work took exception to being served "a piece of dried up colonial fowl with no flavour
that smelled like 'shite.'

Interviewed after the dust settled, the aggrieved wife said she was taken aback at her loving husband's reaction to what she thought was a good idea at the time.

"He's always tuckered out after he gets home, does the hoovering, dusting , polishing, weeding the garden and feeding the wabbits. This looked like the answer to giving him a break in the kitchen...I'm crushed! I used to cook, but now I just can't be arsed and he makes the most divine leg of lamb!"

The crestfallen women said she was drawn to the purchase after reading reviews on the turkey which in the main, were mostly positive.

According to the advert, the dehydrated smoked turkey arrives in a vacuum sealed pouch, you merely cut off chucks of what you want for a meal, and soak it in the malt brew of your choice, in this case Stella.

"It never needs to be refrigerated, the breast was supposed to be 'a slice of heaven', the thighs were described as being moistly meaty with a savory flavour, and the drumsticks had their own appeal."

Continuing unabated the distressed woman recounted her tale: "According to the ad, you cut a chuck of the leg off, slipped it between your tooth and gum, and the sinewy shard was supposed to last at least 6 hours...almost a whole shift at the work place! They also said you could take the whole leg with you for an evening at the pub, pull it out for a chaw, and it would replace the vile habit of mixing beer with those 'orrible pickled eggs which caused such a stink later in the house!"

"My Martyn, not that other Martin bloke down the block you understand, took exception to what I had bought and didn't even want to hear about the two free folding beach chairs that came along at no extra charge. Darling they were, folded up in their own pouch, just perfect for when we go to the Isle of Wight Festival next June. I thought he'd love that...being able to sit in our own chairs, they even had bottle holders in the arms, and listen to some of his favourite groups, "Pulp", the "Kings of Leon" and especially the "Foo Fighters', oh, he dearly loves the Foos!"

Apparently the disagreement ended well, as it usually does, when the woman's husband realized his loving wife only meant well, and they took off laughing, hugging and holding hands to the Kabob shop where he treated.

As for the rest of the turkey?

"Well," said the woman, " we decided to use it as bait. Going to put it out on the TV tray inside the Gazebo. We've had a family of Lithuanians living under the house for about 2 months and we can't lure them out. A rabbit goes missing about onst a week, my parsnips in the garden are gone, and they've even pirated some of our electricity and the telly cable for their den."

But what if the lure works and they come out?

"Well, too bad for them then. My husband used to be a boxer, almost a contender! He'll be on 'em like a terrier on a rat...I dare say they'll be moving next door in a New York minute....not for nuttin' mind ya! BASTARDS!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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