Written by anthonyrosania
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Monday, 22 November 2010

image for Susan Boyle Introduced to America: America Says "Aaaaah! What The F--k Is THAT?!"
ABOVE: Susan Boyle.

It must have been a glitch in the control room.

Its visage was slammed onto screens nationwide, right after Bruno Mars' performance on the Today Show today.

"Coming up next week, singing sensation Susan Boyle," said Matt Lauer.

Just then, someone in the control room put up a photo of what we believe to be Krystalak --a smash-faced, mutated monster that battled Godzilla in the 50s movies-- singing into a microphone.

"That is actually Susan Boyle," said Lauer, after returning from a commercial for a Jake Gyllenhall movie no one gives a sh-t about. "This is not a drill, people. That's really her."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled 3-year-old Brisa Mary, who ran out of the room after throwing half a plate of blueberry pancakes at a new God-damned 32" Hi-Def TV that was on layaway at K-Mart for 12 weeks until her father saved up enough to buy it. "What the f--k is that?!"

Susan Boyle's publicist released the following statement:

Susan Boyle will be appearing on the Today Show, to perform Holiday songs from her new album.

We trust that Susan Boyle will not be vilified because she looks like Jack Black, a furry no-no hole, or the Bird Lady from Home Alone 2. She should only be criticized for her sh-t breathing technique, the throat-contracted vibrato, or her annoying habit of being a bit behind the beat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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