Written by IainB
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Topics: Police, Students, Riot

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

image for Student Protestors arrested
Police hope the fire extinguisher can reach them, so they can extinguish the Molotov cocktails

It was hardly Tianaman Square, but as the police had vowed to arrest anyone who committed a crime, as opposed to their usual approach which is to arrest anyone who commits a crime, the ringleaders for the Student Riots at Tory headquarters in London have been found and arrested.

Police were unable to identify the culprits via CCTV, instead used the tried and tested method of extracting information from a student, they offered alcohol in exchange for names and phone numbers. Amazingly, this was enough to entice three of the culprits to turn themselves in.

One student, who must remain nameless unless this reporter gets offered alcohol, is wanted for attempted murder after throwing a fire extinguisher in the general direction that police were stood. The extinguisher did not reach the police cordon, because they're quite heavy, and the student in question is a vegetarian.

"We have a fair idea who this miscreant is," said Detective Inspector Phil Inns. "We looked at students who missed Tuesday's lectures. There's no point looking at the list of those who missed Monday's lectures, as this is most of them, but that is down to hangovers not criminally throwing a very heavy object in a vague direction where it could murder somebody."

The student they wish to question has been told to turn himself in or face the full wrath of the law.

"Attempted murder is a serious charge with a mandatory prison sentence," said Student Union spokeswoman, Kimberly Tissue. "Once the student has been identified, we will be defending him using the Leeds University Law Students in their final year. It will count toward their degrees. Hopefully we can get the charge down to criminal damage, which carries a mandatory stand-up career."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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