Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Topics: Sex, british, Polls, Survey, Tea

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

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"I'll have my tea on my lap tonight, mum".

A shocking new survey has lifted the lid on the sex lives of Brits. After decades of the world thinking that Brits would rather have a cup of Earl Grey than have sex, it now seems we are a race of sexual opportunists with the morals of a politician.

Professor Polly Prophylactic, who compiled the survey of 2,000 adults, said "We were shocked by the survey's findings. A once proud nation of sexual prudes have become raving sex maniacs".

The survey revealed that nearly 50% had sent naughty text messages to mates, including photos of their genitalia. Over 10% had slept with somebody they met on the internet, who often turned out to be a female Russian ex-shotputter.

When it came to pornography, 30% said they watched porn by themselves, with one in six watching with a partner and a cheeky one in five admitting to starring in their own porn movies.

One survey respondent, Nigel Swollen-Bellend, is an unemployed bovine artificial inseminator. He agreed to be interviewed after participating in the survey. He said "I have to watch my porn by myself. I like the sheep and wellington boot movies, but my poor old mum gets upset and it puts her off her tea. I also once sent a photo of my todger to my boss, which is why I'm now unemployed. I've only ever had the one one night stand. It was the least I could do the night before she went to the abbattoir".

Not all of the survey's findings, however, can be relied upon as being accurate. Professor Prophylactic explained, "Some of the results may be distorted by other sociological phenomena. For example, we were surprised that only one in twenty respondents admitted to having sex with a colleague whilst at work. This may mean that the other nineteen are either unemployed or over retirement age. Equally, the figure of 14 million who admitted having sex outdoors could be quite meaningless and may simply account for the homeless. It might also be attributable to global warming".

Meanwhile, Professor Prophylactic is eager to interview the five out of six who claimed they lasted longer than ten minutes. "These people are likely to be pathological liars and are seriously undermining the integrity of the survey results", she said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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