Written by Morse
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Topics: Crime, Local, Manchester

Saturday, 13 November 2010

image for Manchester Horror! Dismembered Gazebos Found Scattered Across City! Fiend Suspected!
Manchester Police Posting Signs to Discourage Gazebo Fiend!

Police officials today are calling the discovery of 'dozens' of dismembered Gazebos scattered throughout the city "a fiendish crime of horrific proportions that defy human understanding even for Manchester!"

According to a spokesman the unknown serial dumper has been indiscriminate in his selection of gazebos. "We've got aluminum, vinyl, pine, cedar, African redwood, plastic and even some made from cardboard...no end to it really," said PC Mahmoud O'Shaughnessy. We've traced some of them to eBay, M &S, Home Depot, a really expensive one to Harrods, and one Amish one all the way from the Colonies. This FIEND is showing no preference for his victims!"

The police are working up a profile on the perpetrator as we went to press. What is known is he is no stranger to hand tools, as all parts found have been surgically removed with scalpel like precision and then stacked in a ritual arrangement resembling the St. George Cross.

"We found the first staged crime scene up by Counthill Drive, right next to the pitch at Waterhead Academy! Imagine if the students had found that before we did," said a shocked O'Shaughnessy.

Assorted parts and pieces were found near Buttercup Drive, Moordale Avenue, there were two displays at Ferguson Way and one at Privet Street, Saffron Drive and the last at Ripponden Road.

Apparently, according to reports one homeowner got home just in time to disturb the fiend before he could cut up and cart off his latest victim.

Martin Shuttlecock said he had just returned home at dusk after a late work shift and a quick snort at the local pub to find his prized gazebo upside down and all 4 legs up in the air, 'dead like!'

"It was apparent to me," said a shocked Shuttlecock, "that someone had been messing about in me yard! Me Gazebo looked like a goner, but I tried anyway to get it back up on it's legs, but to no avail. It was done for!"

Shuttlecock was quite emotional about the occurrence, saying, "Wife Anne bought that gazebo for me on our anniversary ten years ago....got it from eBay and it took me 18 months to put the BASTARD together since they never set all the screws, bolts and nuts with it, nor any instructions...gave me a fooking migraine it did, and I could only work on it in fits and starts in between some Belgian Lemonade!"

Despite early erection problems Shuttlecock said he overcame with therapy, once finished, the Gazebo, which he affectionately referred to as "Larry, me Gay Gazebo", soon became an important part of the family.

"We've had the neighbors around for a barbie, we've had the kids over for parties, we've even slept in it on the rare hot summer night, God knows the Romanians and Lithuanians loved it, I was forever shooing them out of it when they tried to set up housekeeping innit!"

Police still have no clues regarding the crimes, but are confident that they will apprehend the FIEND as soon as they clear their pending cases concerning purloined Parrots, overflowing dustbins, unsafe historic cobblestone streets, riots by Scottish Students who REFUSE to accept FREE Tuition, and complaints of pet owners allowing their rabbits to run free.

"These kind of FIENDS are always caught," said O'Shaughnessy," sooner or later they're going to brag to their friends on Facebook, and then we'll 'ave THE BASTARD!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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