Written by The Medium Cheese
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Wednesday, 10 November 2010

image for HMS Ark Royal En Route To South Atlantic
HMS Toilet, which was sold last week to Afghanistan.

Britain has sold the HMS Ark Royal to an Argentinan military historian, along with the Harrier fleet.

The spending review means cuts in all areas of public expenditure, including the Armed Forces. Two carriers are being built, and the government has tried to cancel them, only to find out that it is more expensive to not build them. The man who negotiated that contract for the last government has since been appointed by the group of MPs who are trying not to repay the expenses they fiddled.

The Navy has been in difficulties since the spending review, because it can't afford enough fuel to keep the Ark Royal at sea. Sailors have been seen in UK ports begging on the streets for money to buy aviation fuel for the aircraft, and some have even been seen practising with hang gliders over the cliffs at Dover.

Last week, chief defence adviser to the government, General Sir Rostron Riddle Me Ree advised the government to sell the Ark Royal. An advert was placed in the free section of Exchange and Bart, and in a deal believed to be worth £650, the boat and planes were snapped up by Argentinian historian I. Juan T. Las Malvinas, believed to be the son of the former military general who was in power in the early 1980s.

Sr. Las Malvinas told reporters that he collects military memorabilia and really wanted the Ark Royal as a memento of the 1982 conflict, to go into a museum he is hoping to open next year. He denied rumours that he was proposing to actually use any of the equipment, or any of the pilots and flight crew who were included as part of the deal.

Yesterday morning in Portsmouth Harbour, Argentinian workers were seen painting out the British markings on the ship, and replacing them with the insignia of the Argentinian Navy. The ship has been renamed "Belgrano 2".

A group of Argentinians were also seen in a local weapons shop, buying containers full of air to ground missiles and other ordinance. The ship left port this morning, bound for the South Atlantic.

A spokesman for the coalition said they were "very pleased" with the deal, which has saved "an absolute fortune" in running costs. When asked if the government was concerned about the future of the Falkland Islands, he said that these were tough times, and the priority had to be getting rid of the deficit inherited from the Labour government. "Falkland Islanders", he said, "are going to have to share some of the pain, just like everybody else".

"The navy and air force are really expensive to run, which is why we are selling the equipment to the highest bidders. This is good for the taxpayer and good for Britain".

He also said something about the private sector creating jobs to replace those being lost from the public sector, at which point our reporter fell asleep.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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