Written by Herr Riballs
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Topics: Alcohol, Teens

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Shocking figures, released by the Daily Mail, have found that 36 under 18's are hospitalized daily as a result of binge drinking.

The results were so shocking that they were almost left unreported as fears of sending people into shock was deemed even more shocking than the shocking figures themselves.

The reports' author, Dr Edward Groves, said "I'm normally un-shockable but these statistics just go to show how shock can creep up on you and take you unawares. That's what's so shocking in all of this."

Health spokesperson, Linda Crawley, agreed "When I saw the numbers involved I was left in a state of shock myself. Anyone failing to be shocked by these shocking results is clearly in shock denial. Indeed, such individuals may not even be aware they are in shock" she added.

Hospital chiefs are said to be concerned that the figures are so LOW after years of bargain booze prices and extended opening hours. Experts believe the alert level could even be raised from 'shocking' to 'astonishing.' One senior source admitted that the threat could be elevated to 'staggering' and believes NHS funding could even be cut unless there was a concerted effort to get more teens hospitalized for alcohol misuse.
The crisis has been likened to the transport network where roads are dug up for no apparent reason other than to justify budget spending in that area.
Corner shop goers are being urged to buy as much alcohol as possible for under age drinkers in a bid to increase hospital admissions.

A Daily Mail spokesman said "How can we drum up fear of a broken Britain when only 36 kids a day end up in hospital. It's a pathetic figure. Luckily, knife crime stats are very healthy indeed so we can continue to scare the public with that for a bit."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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