Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 13 October 2010

image for Local Man Tries To Lure Athsmatic Wheezing Bastard Out Of Laptop
Come Out Come Out Whoever You Are...

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock - a dashingly handsome 29 year old billionaire philanthropist who made his fortune out of his pork pie hat empire (not verified - we only have his word for it, and sources say he's a compulsive liar) today revealed to Skoob News that he feared there may be an evil spirit living in his laptop.

Either that, or an asthmatic wheezing bastard.

Of some sort.

Shuttlecock explained that when he visits his favourite website, theSpoof.com - he frequently hears Satanic - or asthmatic - wheezing blasting out from deep within the bowels of his laptop.

Shuttlecock claimed that he has no idea how the presence managed to infiltrate his laptop, but indicated that by the sound of it, it probably has a virus. Or something.

He indicated that when he first heard the strange sound he rang the emergency services, but was told by the police and the fire brigade that strange noises emanating from laptops aren't really anything to do with them. They suggested he consult an IT specialist, or computer repairman.

Discounting this option, Shuttlecock contacted his local parish priest, father Dougal Maguire, requesting an exorcism on his laptop.

"He was absolutely bloody useless," Shuttlecock told us. "He came in, stood there for a bit, then started sprinkling holy water about as he sang the old Culture Club hit song 'Karma Chameleon.' Anyway, the wheezing's still going on, so it can't be an evil spirit or the exorcism would have flushed it out. My money's on some athsmatic bastard who somehow invaded me laptop and started wheezing - so what I've done is I've left loads off Halls mentholyptus sweets dotted about the place in the hope it'll tempt the bugger out. Then I'll twat him with a curtain rod. That should sort it."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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