Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Friday, 8 October 2010

image for Defence cuts to reduce Royal Navy to smallest size
HMS Terrified, HMS Petrified and their sister ships await the arrival of their crews

In a desperate bid to save two new aircraft carriers which are under construction, Royal Navy chiefs have agreed with government demands to reduce the number of warships in the fleet by almost 75%. This move will cut the Navy down to a size last seen when King Henry VIII was still beheading his wives.

Frigates, minesweepers, destroyers, submarines and amphibious craft will be sold to the Chinese, who will, in turn, use them against the US Pacific Fleet when they attempt to retake Taiwan.

The new British fleet will consist of two carriers (each equipped with six squadrons of Sea Cadets flying hang gliders), forty pedalos, twenty canal boats, various pleasure craft and the Oxford and Cambridge University Eights (which will provide a fast attack capability).

In light of this, the Admiralty Chiefs have revised their plans for the strategic defence of the UK's shores, should they ever come under attack. This will involve evacuating the entire population to Lundy Island, off the North Devon coast. Admiral Johnny Ever-The-Optimist said "We will still have sufficient vessels to throw a defensive cordon of a small amount of steel, some wood and lots of rubber and plastic around Lundy, and to protect its territorial waters and fishing grounds".

Meanwhile, Lithuanian squatters have purchased every pedalo in Portugal and are currently in the Bay of Biscay, heading for the south west coast of England.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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