Written by Xavier
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Thursday, 30 September 2010

Following the success of turning every local technical college into a university Michael Gove, Education Secretary, has announced plans to turn all secondary schools into universities as long as they can come up with a silliest enough name, like University of the North Bank.

Speaking on Radio 4 he explained how the cutbacks meant that adult university places will have to be cut back. In the 1970s it was accepted that only 5% of the population was clever enough to get a degree but since they have been dumbed down to the equivalent of an old style grade C O-level 80% of the population now has degrees.

Mr Gove said that now the expectation was that every school leaver would have a degree it made sense to cut the expense of actual universities and award them their degree when they leave school.

As long as children can spell their name they will now be awarded 4 GCSEs of their choice on moving from primary to secondary education.

Mr Gove said that in supporting children from the beginning of their life he hopes that as well as giving them £50 when they are born they can also have 3 GCSEs, the subjects of which they can choose on leaving school.

"Only a Conservative Government can have every school leaver with a degree." He said.

To save money, the 4 million certificates will be photocopied in China, flown to Indonesia to be put into envelopes, shipped to Taiwan to be sealed, flown to Thailand to be addressed and then flown back to Britain for degree ceremonies in each school every July.

Asked about jobs for school leavers Mr Gove emphasised that because the children will all be leaving with degrees they will increase their chance of work on leaving school.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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