Written by Xavier
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Topics: Police

Thursday, 30 September 2010

image for Northumberland Police Buy Chieftan Tanks
Northumberland Police's New Weapon

A recent investigation has shown that the Tazers used to shoot Raol Moat were illegal, were not licenced and breached the Firearms Act.

The company which supplied Tazers to the police has lost the contract for selling the illegal weapons to Northumberland Police.

A ministry of Justice spokesman said, however, that Northumberland Police did nothing wrong because they can use whatever weapons they like.

In reponse to this the force has ordered two ex-Gulf Chieftan Tanks for use on drugs raids and other high profile search operations.

"Now we have the go ahead to shoot the public with whatever we like we decided that the tanks were a good step forward. Now, when be want to bash someone's door down at four in the morning, instead of five officers bashing away with bits of iron waking up the whole neighbourhood, we can give the front of the house a quick shelling so it is just one big bang (plus the sound of falling masonery) instead of a continued thumping sound. We can fire the tank from two miles away so we won't need to rumble through small side streets; and the gun's accuracy means we cannot miss by more than 3 houses giving us plenty of time to reload, re-aim and have another go."

Northumberland have ordered 500 rounds of high explosive squash head (HESH) shells and 250 rounds of armour-piercing discarding sabot (APDS) (for use in stopping high speed car chases).

The tank's 15 inch thick armour would mean that it would be unharmed by the shot from the shotgun Moat had. The normal L8A1 7.62 mm machine gun has been replaced by an enhanced verion of the illegal Tazer allowing 35 people to be simultaneously fried with 120,000 volts for 20 seconds.

A Ministry of Justice spokesperson said that since the Conservatives agreed with police, during the miners' strike, that if they attacked the miners the police would be put above the law they leave it up to the police to do what they like as long as they don't investigate MPs, Judges or Catholic Priests too deeply.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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