Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 29 September 2010

image for Fedora Named as Official Headwear of England
A law abiding Briton in a banded Fedora.

The U.K. Department for Culture, Media and Sports announced today that it was naming the "Fedora" as the official headwear for all of England. Sir Buxton Balderton of the DCMS also outlined his plans for the eradication of American and French forms of fashion headwear through an escalating tariff plan that continues through 2017.

His speech running for more than ninety minutes during the heart of the news day, groans from the dwindling press corps could be heard as Balderton began to recount the growth in popularity of the Fedora, based on an 1892 London stage play from the novel "Trilby" by George du Maurier. An adaptation of the Fedora was apparently featured prominently throughout the play, and male audience members began to demand it.

"No wonder", commented London beat fashion writer, Lester Izmoore. "Basically at that time your headwear choices included the top hat, the French beret, and that stupid looking Sherlock Holmes cap with Herringbone ear flaps. Gag me".

Sales for the Fedora continued through the 20th century while vaulting in popularity again after Sean Connery chose the hat for his Bond character in the 70's. "There is something a little Bad-Boy about the style", says Izmoore. "It's very 1920's macho-gangster".

Balderton continued to blather on about the year long and seven million pound selection process, describing the weeding out process for the American ball cap style, the French 'Pork Pie' Beret and even variations on the Cricket helmet, which in his words, "were nothing more than Polo helmets with wire cages".

Only after Balderton wrapped up his fifteen second question and answer session, did Izmoore approach him with the bad news. Apparently, Balderton should have stuck with the actual Trilby, being of British design, opposed to the hat that the Trilby was designed after. The Fedora was introduced in America for a stage play in 1882 featuring Sandra Bernhard as 'Princess Fedora', wearing the original hat design. The Trilby was introduced 12 years later.

"Bollocks!", declared Balderton as he made his way to the rear of the press conference stage. "Where's that bastard research assistant of mine, Skoobington?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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