Paul Michael Glaser has stunned the world of British football by taking the first steps to become the sole owner of British Premier League Club, Manchester United, by purchasing loads of their shares from a couple of Irishmen.
"It was like taking candy from a baby," said the former star of hit TV detective series Starsky and Hutch'. "I made em an offer they couldn't refuse; a quarter of a billion (an American billion that is) of your English pounds sterling, although the real deal clincher was letting them pull some handbrake turns in the red and white Ford Torino and trying on my trademark cardigan."
Fans have been sickened by Glaser's underhanded dirty dealings as well as being slightly bemused by his recent bizarre behaviour of dressing up like eccentric racing pundit Sir John McCririck. Had the official supporters' fan club known that the shares were up for sale they stated they would have had a whip round and would themselves have made the two Irish traitors an offer.
Asked if they thought they could have got that obscene amount of money together without involving any Russian industrialist tycoons, the club secretary said, "Man United fans are the most loyal you'll find anywhere in the world. They would have given anything to have stopped the club falling into that Glaser's hands. Any shortfall would have been made up by taking George Best's empties back to the off licence."
In the City, financial experts were expressing concerns about Glaser's means of funding the purchase of 57% of the club's shares. "We know that he has had to borrow some money from Ocean Lombard Loans Direct and although it is rumoured that he felt he had a great weight lifted and has had his first good night's sleep in ages, it is inevitable that he will have to put up admission fees and the price of the official merchandise to pay back the capital and interest, in spite of the very competitive rates."
David Beckham, former Manchester United player and goodwill ambassador for Gillette, was unavailable for comment. "He's too busy texting," said some posh lass.