Research just published by Foxord University has made the bold claim that there is no link between mental illness and violence.
Professor Bertram Doodle-McFuckwit, Dean of the Faculty of Psychiatry, described the ground-breaking results of the study. He said, "We studied a group of 300 Norwegian women who all had a formal diagnosis of a psychotic illness. All of these women were completely out of their fucking trees and required sedating, almost to the point of coma. In addition, and only for their own wellbeing, they were fitted with straight jackets and placed in seclusion. Their only contact with other people occurred when nurses went in to top up their sedation. During this time, despite the fact that they were all floridly psychotic, not one exhibited any violent or aggressive behaviour. What was interesting was that, every 28 days, the women entered into periods of intense negotiations. This appeared unrelated to their mental illnesses and seems to be attributable to some other phenomenon which we do not yet understand".
The findings of the study were welcomed by mental health groups, who are forever trying to stop the demonisation of people who suffer from mental illness. Marinda Wallis of the charity Mindless said, "Finally, we can now tell the public that they have nothing to fear. Most of the poor souls in Broadmoor, Rampton and Ashworth Hospitals were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and many were framed by the police who could not catch the real killers".
However, Mrs Betty Swollocks from Milton Keynes was not so reassured. She said, "I was attacked by a woman who had a mental illness. At the time, she thought she was Pocahontas, Princess of the Sioux Indians, and was on a mission to kill the white women of the invading Yankees. At the same time, she was dressed in a red indian outfit, along with a basque and some fishnet stockings". She went on to say how the police and psychiatrists had told her that this was nothing to do with the woman's illness, but that she was simply mildly irritated that she had not won the lottery.
Mrs Swollocks said that she did not bear a grudge, but that she did have an axe to grind. "The attack left me with this tomahawk embedded in my head and the surgeons say it is too dangerous to remove it. I must look like a complete twat".
Professor Doodle-McFuckwit stressed that Mrs Swollocks could easily have avoided such a terrible experience, if she had stayed in her house and had deadbolts fitted to every door and window.
Coincidentally, it was revealed this week that Foxord University has fallen in the world league table of higher education establishments. It now sits one place below the Merseyside Institute of Adult Education. No surprise there then.