Written by Noshing Mink
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Sunday, 1 August 2010

image for Britain's Guardian newspaper is most boring - it's a fact
Guardian reader by the time he gets to the sports page

Forget about left-wing politics, Britain's Guardian newspaper has been officially dubbed the most boring newspaper in the country. The damning findings, from two men in a pub in Yorkshire and their dog, have confirmed what industry pundits have suspected for years.

The Guardian's Quentin Crisp admitted "Most of our articles are longer than articles in other newspapers and use bigger words with more syllables and sometimes subtle meanings. We avoid photographs, unless they are pictures of words, and certainly never use colour. As a result, our reders tend to take longer to read an item that readers of other newspapers."

This is believed to explain why so many Guardian readers have beards. They begin reading the newspaper clean-shaven but by the time they get to the end, they have grown a beard.

Crisp revealed the results of a survey of reading times for different newspapers. "On average, an article in the Times takes 30 seconds to read. The Telegraph is not far off at 32 seconds. However, the Guardian is a whole six minutes. And that's if the reader has a dictionary handy. If he doesn't have a dictionary, the average shoots up to 3 hours."

"However", he added, "the newspaper whose readers take the longest to read an article is still the Sun, with a record reading time of 4 hours for one news item about economics during the recent General Election."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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